So I have something to say, but Im not sure I can actually get it out… I sat down when I first got to work and it was all so clear, as is often the case after my 25 minute drive to the office. So I started typing… but dang. I have had more interruptions just this morning than I have all week. Every time I begin to feel the words flowing in my mind… as the entire picture begins to visually appear allowing me to paint the story with words… My phone rings… the router in Athens dies… a teleworkers laptop wont connect… a print server in Columbus is not working… THEN they do a birthday part for me because Im turning 40. And with each interruption its like the picture I see so clearly in my mind gets wiped away… and I have to work to get it back… So anyway… here we go…

I drive to work everyday passing through downtown Macon. Along the way there are all these old buildings. As I look at these buildings it almost always awakens some inner vision. Its like I don’t see the building for what it is, but what it could be. They look beautiful to me. The broken window panes always begin to form themselves into a still life photo in my mind. I imagine maybe the reflection of one of the broken people living in this place reflected in the pane of this broken window. Then I see what it could be restored… repaired…

So that’s what I normally see…

This morning Im driving along, reflecting on my life and current events and I reach this same part of Macon, did you know someone has broken the windows out of those buildings? Or look at that garage door, the way the metal has given and bent under stress. Or the crack that is slowly making its way across the foundation of another. The years of weight and pressure finally beginning to show. Its falling apart.

So my mind begins to wonder, Why? But isn’t THAT the age old question? I mean really… What the heck God???? WHY?

So why does that door bend and buckle where it did? Why did that crack crawling across the foundation start right there? Why did that window break (probably because that’s where the rock hit) ? But really, there was something slightly off with the structural integrity of the material. Maybe there was an air bubble in the foundation, maybe just a weak point where the cement didn’t cure. Or the garage door, some point in the metal that was thinner or had some minor imperfection. Or maybe it was some damage caused by some outside force that caused a chink in the integrity of the material.
So you take these small imperfections and apply stress and time… and suddenly, something that seemed so small and not even a hazard, becomes the starting point for the failure.

When I was 12 or 13 my friends and I discovered this secret place of wonder. It was like an imaginary get-a-away, this small patch of woods sitting on the edge of our neighborhood. We discovered steps up a tree that lead to where a tree house use to be and it captured us. We rebuilt it actually and spent many summer afternoons and after school days launching childhood adventures form this tree top fortress. There were so many other things about this patch of woods. ( it really does relate to everything, not just one of those times I tell you something that has nothing to do with what Im telling you.) You see there were these trees. I have no idea what kind they were. Just that they were tall with very few branches. The leaves and braches where mainly at the top. Well, we would climb these trees sometimes it would take two of us… if you got high enough… you could actually bend the trees over. They were very flexible trees. Once the tree is bent over… one person holds on to the top middle… and jumps… I know your imaging a child now flying through the air being catapulted into the middle of the street just outside the woods… It wasn’t quite THAT much. But it was a total thrill as the tree began to return to its natural position, and brought you with it. Sometimes it took a couple jumps to get past the point where it would spring back up. But here was the problem. Given time, given too many jumps, the stress of bending and bending… eventually, the tree would crack. And where would the break occur? Some place where there was a small imperfection. A knot in the wood, a hole in the bark from some insect or bird. And under the stress and pressure the tree failed. And I must say, it really sucked when it broke as you were flying up. Think about it, you bend this tree over, grab hold, ready for the amazing ride. So you jump, the upward momentum begins, the thrill of the ride beginning, the wind rushing… Your totally ready to hold on so once the tree is straight up… you don’t keep going! Then you hear it… SNAP… and its like your mind is still going up… your body is still wanting the fun part of being flung into the air… but it all shifts… and you come straight down… smack… ooooh the wonders of gravity.

Well that’s life sometimes. I mean what causes those things to break? Stress and time right? I mean if you apply pressure and try and squeeze to much stuff into too small of a space… something has to give. Only so much stuff can fit in one place. And the imperfections become the outlet.

So why do we call it stress when we are going through things? Building a house, a sick family member, or things just not being how you think they should be? Well, emotionally and spiritually this things begin pressing in on you. Or having an outer peace but filled with inner restless discontent. Its like trying to force too much stuff into a space. So what happens? There has to be an outlet right? Well, so many times its in the structural integrity. Or… your integrity itself. A small chink in your armor. Some small flaw inside you. Maybe you didn’t know it was there ( but if your really honest… you knew….) Maybe it is just some knot from your past. Or some area that has been worn thin. But given enough pressure and time… it will begin to show… to buckle… and you slowly begin to give in and bend… or sometimes.. like the tree… its just like SNAP… and there you are.

Why? Why are we made that way? Why does God allow this? Why do I have this particular flaw? Why am I having to go through this? I mean really, you have to admit… sometimes… you just want to say… “God, you suck”
Then again, maybe you my faithful reader do not… maybe that’s just me.

You know… I simply don’t know. I know God knows… I know that should be enough. I know it is enough… but that still leaves a lingering Why out there doesn’t it.

So then the thing to ask yourself… what then? I mean… what now. Stress or pressure has revealed this crack… this broken pane in the window of your soul… so now what? That is after all the bigger question. It outweighs the Why? The why… well… you may never know why this side of heaven… but the what now… THAT’S for today, and tomorrow and the next day. Because you know, no matter how much you try to avoid it… tomorrow… it shows up eventually. Tomorrow… finds its way into today…

This then brings my mind to the process of tempering steel. I see playing on the movie screen of my imagination, a clip of some medieval blacksmith fashioning a sword. Heating… folding… pounding… Then repeating the process. As the metal is heated to a glowing red you can often see the cracks and stress points hidden within … so what does he do… He folds it… applies pressure… pounds it against the metal that is the anvil.

If im that metal… surely Im asking… WHY? Why am I in the fire AGAIN? Why am I getting hit, pounded, folded, shaped, cant you see Im still glowing hot from the fire I just came out of. Then as your thrust into the cold water… some sort of relief finally… Sure theres steam… but in the end… its cool water… Then you are put in the fire again… folded, pounded… shaped and formed…

But you see… its this heating and pounding and shaping and forming that eventually makes you stronger. It reinforces the weak points, the small imperfections. Now, one day, in the heat of battle, this sword may break…. Theres still imperfections… But you learn from it. You learn how to make it better next time. You learn what you did when you allowed the crack to grow… to spread…

Of course… that’s the theory anyway… Im sure the sword doesn’t like having to be reforged in the fire to be made new…

So sometimes, Why is simply the wrong question. Why are things this way? Why cant I have what I want… do what I want… especially when you are met with perfection and its just outside your grasp… Why cant I have that? Why do I have to live in this situation for the rest of my life? I don’t know what your Why is. But Im pretty sure you have one. I think we all have them. So I have decided… Why is the wrong question… the real question for me has to become…. What then?